It used to be like an addiction. The thrill of falling in love was my drug. ?
I loved the feeling. The euphoria. The hope of a possible outcome. The feeling of being desired. The novelty. The adventure. The unknown. The connection. The hunger. ?
With it came drama. Fear. Obsession. A deep yearning to be seen. To know I had a place in his life. To feel secure in my idea of ‘us’. A longing to create more stories of the future based on the memories of our time together in the recent past. ?
All the feelings, emotions, connections and desires weren’t only in my mind: it was real and mutual. Mutually loving and mutually broken.
At the same time I didn’t realize that these experiences were reflecting where I was in my own life.
I said that I longed for someone to simply ‘add’ something to my life, and not complete it, because my intelligence said I should be enough. But I fell again. In love. Hoping to get something that would never fully be, because I wasn’t fully in my own loving power yet. The hope of ‘him being a potential candidate’ reflected that I was not fully present with myself. I put the other on a pedestal from which they could only fall. I saw potential, instead of what truly was there.
I made these men the cause of the love I experienced. Outward projection. So unfair to them! ?
Until I learned that falling in love is not my desire at all.
? Loving is. Connecting from the heart is. ?
??I realized this: Falling in love is projection, loving is connection.
My true desire is to lovingly connect. Deeply. Being met, in truth. To give and receive equally – in a moment, a day, a week, in timelessness, as time is an illusion. It includes letting go when the moment is there. When the job is done. It includes full acceptance.
✨My real longing is to experience this love freely, from a place of respect, kindness, honor, gratitude and togetherness. To be connected with this other human – not because I’m incomplete, but because our union can lead to a divine experience.
I still have these luscious, deep, hungry, euphoric, connected feelings I used to have when I ‘fell’ in love. And they can still come with pain and fear. ?
But I now avoid falling into it.
I know their love is really not theirs, but just ‘being’. I know that I don’t need them to be anything for me, except be present in the moment. I am my own lover. My own pillar. My own rock. Not independent but interdependent, as I welcome being supported ❤️??.
I will love you but I won’t fall in it. I will connect from the heart, not the unconscious monkey brain. I will desire, but not expect. I will be present but not attach. I will be vulnerable but not needy. I will be feminine and step into my power. I will receive as well as give.
………And I promise this: I WILL FAIL …and recover. ?
To all the beautiful people I meet, embrace, dance with (Imraan Ismail thanks for this dance!!), make love with, feel… men and women… thank you for being in my life. For crossing my path. For the lessons, heartbreak included. I truly thank you for allowing me to reconnect with my true self.
Ps: listen to Fia’s song Storyland – Listen to the lyrics carefully. ??✨?
Photocredits: Daniela Dušková at Beyond – Temple of Deep Delight